It’s not depression, though it does feel like doing anything except being with it would take some effort.
I could come up with lots of reasons for feeling this way, yet any that float across my mind don’t really matter enough or resonate enough to hold my attention for long.
Perhaps it’s a form of disconnect, a kind of gentle vacation to the place in me that knows my life in this form is finite, and – while there is a rightness to that – I know that some time I will have to come in from play in this wonderful world and go home.
But that’s not it either, that thought is too heavy for what I feel. My sadness feels much lighter, though that seems an odd description.
Melancholy was once thought to be ‘sober thought’, which I like a lot. It was seen as gloomy, a self-indulgent pensiveness, which had to be a judgement from others on the person who was feeling that way. I wonder what happens when we allow ourselves to just be in these uncomfortable places for as long as they last, without the fear that they will last forever.
The truth is, where I am right now is pure feeling. Thought just gets in the way, mucks things up, and could easily tip me over into something deeper and more painful. Boy there’s a thing to remember.
I realized this morning that I was choosing to feel this way instead of resisting it. It helps that I know it won’t last forever, and that I can begin to move out of it any time I want. It’s just pure feeling. It’s a stillness within me, and I learned long ago that the stillness is really Stillness, if you get what I mean.
Just recognizing that I choose instead of resist makes it all begin to move, very gently, like floating on a slow-moving river.
There is no happy ending to this blog, no ‘pull your socks up, Karen, and get on with changing your mood’. That’s ok, just as the feelings are ok, because I know they are transient and mine.